Twins and relational style

One of the areas that i work is as a consultant for TAMBA which is the charity for twins and multiple births. In this role i offer advice and guidance over the phone to parents usually who re experiencing worries or concerns about their children who are multiples. This week i spoke to a lady who is the mother of 5-year-old boy/girl twins where the boy seems to be struggling to socialise at school and having angry outbursts. The teacher has told the mother that her child hs low self esteem and is clearly very unhappy. the mother did not agree with this assessment, despite this her instant reaction was to assume she had missed something with her son. She wondered with the teacher what contribution her son being a twin made to the situation, to which the teacher assured her that being a twin had absolutely nothing to do with the issue.
The key ares we considered were:
* the absolute relevance of her son being a twin
* her knowing her son better than anyone
* her sons relational style
* understanding the process involved in raising a child’s sense of worth
* helping a child to work out the ‘rules’ and how to manage when other children do not follow these rules.
It never ceases to amaze me the number of teachers who appear not to understand very much about children’s developmental processes or even actually like children very much. Of all professions teacher seem able to render perfectly capable adults, self doubting, uncertain, apparently incapable in a few seconds of being critical of their child. Teacher training needs to incorporate learning how to talk to parents.
I was also quite shocked to hear that a teacher could say that how a twin child socialises has nothing to do with him being a twin. How can it not? This teacher clearly does not understand that the blue print for a twins relational style is the relationship that he/she has with the co twin. So for this little boy his sister being easy-going and generally co-operative with him even when he behaved badly was his experience of relating. So when he was at school and the other children did not respond in a similar way to his sister, he did not know how to deal with that. this was an issue of social skills input not one of low self-esteem and overall unhappiness.
It saddens me that there are so many people in positions of power and authority that use their position to undermine the confidence of other parents particularly in the absence of any real knowledge or understanding.

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Event 1 Datchet

Well the first of the 3 events is done and what an amazing group of people ready to help anyone thinking about the state of their relationship. We have financial experts, mortgage specialists, well being practioners, barristers, private investigators as well as people that can help you get back on your feet when you feel ready to try again. And of course me. The day started off slow but then a fine trickle of people through out the event, we even had some interest from the bar!
Questions I got asked included:
Question: if we have already agreed contact for the children does it need to change?
Answer: no if you have found a way that is working there is no need to change it – you only need to discuss and agree on issues that have not already been agreed.
Question: if you agree something in mediation can it be enforced
Answer: no but if you are worried that it might not be stuck to then you can have the agreement ratified by the court which would make it enforcable.
Question: can we work on repairing our marriage.
Answer: yes if both people want to try to make it work.
Discussions covered topics such as: how to manage your own anxieties and worries without putting the children in the middle or how childrens feelings are taken into account when planning for the future.
Event number 2 will be Thursday 6th from the Red Lion in Henley again from 3-9 so if you missed todays event then join us next week.

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Fund Raising Appeal

The following link is to a spoof shopping channel advert raising much needed post flood funds for Marlow FM
All donations gratefully received

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January 2014 thinking about divorce


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Ozzy Osbourne: Role Model or Cautionary Tale?

Recently when Ozzy Osbourne received a collection of music awards he was asked about what advice he would give youngsters looking for a career in the music business. Ozzy is reported to have said that he was not a particualry good role model as he spent the first 50 years of his lfe trying to kill himself but the advice he would give his younger self would be to get drunk more and take more cocaine. Which was refreshingly honest. Not that I am advocating a life of coked up drunkenness. So fair to say not really a role model for anyone. Neither is he really a cautionary tale either though. At the age of 65 at the final concert of his UK tour this weekend he sang his heart out, ran around the stage, jumped and ran on the spot for a good 2 hours before inviting his audience to go even more crazy if they wanted another song. So is booze and drugs bad for you? Well of course they are and I am sure there are fitter healthier 65 year olds out there but there are also many who are less healthy. But more to the point for us mere mortals who like to drink regularly and occasionally drink too much there is clealry hope. We are saturated by ‘advice’ telling us how our bodies cannot survive consistent abuse of too much sugar, alcohol etc yet here we are with good old Ozzy proving them all wrong.
Ozzy at the age of 65 years has spent his life doing what he loves and enjoyed himself doing it with plenty of energy and talent still to use up. He has managed to hold a marriage together although to be fair Sharon probably has done more of the holding bit. He has three children, two of which clearly have a lot of time for him. He is obviously too old to die young, as they say, so from my perpsective, money aside, a successful life. What do you think? So if you want my advice everything in moderation, a little of what you fancy does you good or even eat drink and be merry. As my dad always said not smoking or drinking or going with wild women does not make you live longer it just feels like it and in any case who wants to live forever?

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I want to ride my bicycle…

So… collected my bike today and rode home from Hazelmere. It was so good to be cycling again. But lonely it was not so much fun cycling on my own. I missed my little team mates it was just not the same having no one in front or behind. So instead I got back in touch with Bruce Springstein Thin Lizzy and Madonna amongst others and yes I did have my ear phones in when cycling but I wore a helmet! Looking forward to planning the next event possibly the Thames Bridges challenge in May next year which will give me something to keeep working toward. So keep watching this space the cycling nas only just begun 🙂

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Did it :-)

Last daywas an amazing cycle alongside the canals all the way to Bruges what a difference cycling in this country where bikes really do have priority we all stayed together in one group doing a leisurely ride enjoying the scenery and paying to pee. Two ladies had a mishap leaving one in a bush of nettles. Not nIce. Cleats are definitely not on my wish list. The hotel in Bruges is lovely and now enjoying a glass of bubbly before going a wander
Tomorrow will tell how hard I have worked
You can still sponsor me

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Day 3 completed

Early morning run from Canterbury to Dover average speed 11.1mpg across the water to nieupoort average speed 11.3 mpg but oh what a difference cycling on proper cycle paths and flat. The Belgians prioritize bikes so no horns or hand signals it was great trouble getting the Wi-Fi going so may well be in Bruges when this gets posted even so there is still time to sponsor me

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Day 2 done

The second day started off slow in one group after about 1mile the organisers decided it was not safe to all be going so slow so we split into 2 groups again with 7 in front group and 5 in second group then we really took off and arrived at the lunch stop by 2pm leaving 1punctured and one injured on the way to be picked up by the second group this left just 5 who maintained a good steady pace hills notwithstanding. Lunch was lovely little cafe on the sea front called Seasalters  that served the most amazing fresh sandwiches Setting off again for the final run into Canterbury arriving just before 4 The last section was like Nightrider all over again going uphill them down hill then uphill again for way too many miles followed by an easy breeze into university of Kent for our nights accommodation so coffee shower and chill before dinner
Next section takes us across the water so comeback tomorrow for the next update
You can still sponsor me at

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1down 3to go

The first day of the cycle challenge! From London to Bruges now completed 35 miles in 7 hours with only 4 of those actually cycling the pace was very slow to begin getting out of London the Thames cycle “path was clearly not designed for groups of cyclistsand certainly not for for recumbent bikes. Oh and never get a cycle Garmin _ don’t ask just trust me. So we rolled and turned and llifted and stopped and rolled again turned round and went back the way we came eventually we got a nice couple of straight runs ans decided to split into 2 groups which meant the front group got to get a food pace going. We will nott mention the hills but aside from that we did have have some nice good fast sections. Arrived in Rochester foe the first overnight very ready for a drink to celebrate the 25% mark 😉
Come back tomorrow for the next installment
You can still sponsor me

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